Violence, I Choose You

 So, I woke up and chose violence
After all these years, I've been trapped in silence
Protecting my peace, keeping my distance
Put your fucking weights away, it ain't rocket science

I'm sick of stone-aged ickfluencers going to the supermarket and talking shit about food that we all like to enjoy
Can't believe that I'm about to name-drop oh boy
Yeah, I'm talking about Eddie Abbew
His mindset on nutrition rhymes with eww
Bodybuilders be claiming they're natty yet they're relying on them roids & tren
You promote eating disorders, I don't want to be your friend
No one cares about your 3 day fast
"Bagels ain't real food," Go touch some grass
All the fear-mongering shit you're trying to preach is a massive migraine
You and your disciples of delusion can stay in your lane

"Just trained arms" aka showing off this poseephat
Shout out to the legend, Nicole Drinkwater
Who is a pro at mocking ickflunencers
That record themselves and harass anyone that glances at them for a few seconds, fuck that

Mate, I said no
I don't want to go to your place and do cardio
"Why are you training upper body, you're a girl"
Your sexist comment makes me want to hurl
Leave me alone and let me listen to my music
The fuckery dripping down your mouth makes me sick

Now, this is the leg curl machine
That works on hamstrings, not G-strings
Get your mind out of the gutter, this ain't a sex scene
Lat pulldowns give you wings

The Thornologist used violence, it was super effective
Ickfluencers need to get themselves a new life that ain't defective

Dickfluencers

 Guess who's back again, destroying ickfluencers
I felt that it was missing the D, so let's talk about dickfluencers
Hold the fuck up, fitness isn't supposed to be sexual
By photographing your arse, claiming that you just trained shoulders? You're fucking delusional!

At the gym, I'm here to get shit done not talk shit
Having a six-pack or a big butt doesn't mean you're fit
That looks like an edit
People like you are the reason why people feel that they aren't good enough
Because you all want them to believe the same stupid stuff
"Couples who train together, stay together" stop normalising codependency
"Look at us, we're so in love" Yeah, get fucked! Have some decency!

No one cares about your stupid film production
This is the gym, not a personal studio
Step back, I ain't falling for your deception
This ain't your gym, we paid the same gym membership with the same amount of dough
Be better than that and mind your own business
Narcissism doesn't go with fitness

Anyway, I'm getting exhausted
I don't wanna see another post about 'hot girl summer' that's morbid
Wait, isn't it called Hot Girl Scammer?
I didn't stammer
I ain't buying your programme
I heard that's a scam
"I don't like you because you don't skip chest day!" Bitch please, I don't give a damn!

Ickfluencers

 It's time to talk about the bullshit on social media
The shit that spreads like gonorrhoea
You ickfluencers ain't so wise
Especially female fitness ickfluencers that are in shape, thinking they can empathise
By sitting down, claiming to have belly rolls that look like foreskin, no cap
Photoshopping their bodies and claiming that it's real, miss me with that crap
Offended by reality? Oh, snap!

Do this, do that to lose belly fat
100 crunches a day and cutting out your favourite foods? Fuck that!
Sugar-free drinks don't cause cancer, stop fucking lying
Ha! You're mad because I said there's more to fitness than growing your glutes? Hahahaha I'm dying!
News flash, coffee isn't a meal
One meal a day ain't ideal

Who fucking cares about what you eat in a day
Because we all know that you're looking for a prey
Maybe more to fall for your bullshit
Fuck being hot & skinny, I'd rather be strong & fit

Offended because someone walked past your camera? Oh, boo fucking hoo, this is a public gym
Calling some innocent lad a creep when you're the one harassing him
No one cares about your glute pump
Go back to wherever you came from, aka that toxic waste dump
Calm down Amber Heard we all paid the same gym membership
Cut the crap you're trying to sell, I ain't gonna take a sip

Not my fault that these cherries are getting bigger from training chest
And also eating high-protein lunches and dinners that include lean meats such as chicken breast
Shhh no one asked for your opinion, Glutella
When all you do is train your glutes, thinking you can pull a fella
This is why I don't follow female fitness pages anymore
When most of their content is all about glutes and core
I'm not surprised that it's something you don't want to hear
Keeping on spreading shit that you love to smear

Hold up, I ain't done
Got you like a shotgun
I'm looking at the weak-minded males that think they're Sigma
Sniff sniff, I smell internalised misandry
Along with your open misogyny
Yet you demand equality

Quit the bullying, you better listen to Joey Swoll
No one likes an internet troll
Train smarter or go home
Fuck off with your Main Character Syndrome

Peaceful Protection

 Once upon a time, there was a girl who had a kind heart
All the pain & betrayal tore her life apart
She grew up and became a heartless woman which became her work of art
She was made from the heartache
From all the disrespect she can no longer take
Do you know who she is? That's me

Life's better when no one's blowing up my phone
Thanks for showing me that I'm better off on my own
Some people don't deserve to be in my future
Especially trying to infect me with their delusional culture
Some things weren't meant to last
Some things should stay in the past

I ain't watching another episode of one of your dramas
Leave me alone, I wanna stay at home and watch The Punisher in my pyjamas
If you can't respect a no
You've got to go

Are you mad because I got boundaries? That sounds like a YOU problem
Murder backwards is spelt Red Rum
I'm not falling for your breadcrumbing because I'm not easy to manipulate
You just don't know how to communicate

Once upon a time, there was a woman who refused to let someone steal her heart
And that woman is smart

Mother Of Cats

 Everyone knows that I'm the Cat Queen
The whole princess shit ain't my scene
In paws we trust is the motto I go by
In case you didn't know, this is part 2 of my poem, In Paws We Trust
If you don't love cats, you're not my kind of guy
Loving cats is a must

As a cat sitter
All the cats I care for are never bitter
I'm also known as the Mother of Cats
All the kitties come to me for lots of pats
Black cats don't mean bad luck
They never judge me for not wanting to have a giant dump truck
My furbaby Donnie is so cute
He's Count Doncula when he wears his vampire suit
Got another cat-sitting booking, I gotta shoot

This poem isn't really about Game of Thrones
I ain't Daenerys Targaryen who turns the town into dust and bones
This ain't about dragons, this is about the Mother of Cats chilling with the Stark sisters called Arya & Sansa
Such pretty kitties, they're mentioned in this stanza
Always addicted to Thrive
They live close to me, I don't need to drive

I know a Birman called Ozzy
He loves to sit with me and study
His meows are so deep, and he purrs so loud
He's so fluffy, he reminds me of the cloud
Just like Donnie, he has a sweet tooth
Always wanting a Krispy Kreme doughnut, ain't that the truth

I know a warrior called Lulah
A sweet senior cat that knows that I'm the cat whisperer
Reminds me of the cats I've seen in Sliema
A famous town that has a cat statue in Malta

Has my heart stolen by Tara the little sphinx
"Eww hairless cats" Your comment stinks
She's a sweet little kitten who is warm as a heating pad
Leaving her on her own makes me sad

I know another black cat name, Soucek
He is named after a footballer who is Czech
Just like Donnie, he's so sweet and gentle
He has an enemy that is a Bengal

Meow, I'm the Mother of Cats
I'm glad that I ain't known as Mother of Brats

Yo-yo

There you go 
You came back into my life like a yoyo
"What did I do?" Save it, you should know
You can't do that now because I've cut the strings
I don't give a fuck if it stings
I don't let snakes bite me twice
Because I don't play nice

You played me left and right
Up and down
Get out of my life, out of my sight
I won't let you take my soul to the ground
Oh, so you think you're tough
Stop and admit that you tried to make me feel like I wasn't good enough

Don't come back into my life like a yo-yo
You're the one that let me go
I don't speak to ghosts
You watch my stories yet you don't like my posts
Just say you don't like me instead of watching me
Although thanks to you, I am free

How many times did you make me cry
Leaving me an irritating mark
Don't even try to justify
It felt like I was bleeding next to a shark

Cool story, yo-yo
I'm looking for my Frank Castle, not Romeo
You're nothing but a life lesson
Dragging me down like an anchor, that's depressing

I don't wanna start over
This poem is directed at a friend or a lover
Especially a family member
Oh now you're mad because I'm giving you the silent treatment
Disappointment is an understatement
There won't be a second chance
I'm protecting my peace by keeping my distance

In Paws We Trust

Nine years ago
I looked after a sweet, little tabby called Milo
She was a girl, not a boy
I was heartbroken when I found out that she went over the rainbow

Because my ex-friend got bored of her like she was some toy

When was the last time I’ve seen Milo? I don’t know

But now I know she’s no longer suffering

From a ‘family,’ that means nothing

In paws we trust is the motto

I see a kitty, let me take a photo

Everyone knows that I’m the Cat Queen

“Cats are evil!” Hey, don’t be so mean

Every cat I meet, have amazing purrsonality

Ha, see what I did there? That’s the reality

When it was August 2022, I landed a cat-sitting job

“That’s not a real job!” It’s a job that I’m passionate about, don’t be a snob

I’m able to flex my knowledge of cat care

And meet all kinds of cats, fluffy, sleek or no hair

Everyone knows that I have a black cat called Donnie
He’s so cute, he’s so cuddly

He has big moonlit eyes that glow in the dark

I still remember his first scratch mark

Did you know that black cats are smart and easy to train

Cats are not just about beauty & brain

Got Donnie when he was a kitten

Always runs to the kitchen
Whenever I shout tuna or chicken

In paws we trust is the motto

If a guy says that he hates cats, he has got to go

Not worth my energy, it's time to hit unmatch

Donnie, use scratch

Okay, let’s not resort to violence

Eat your protein, that’s science

I’m calling all the pretty kitties

from all different cities

I’m calling all cat parents

Cats are the best antidepressants

In paws we trust is the motto

A wild kitty appeared, let’s get a photo